Enough of panic folks… No more would you need to worry or shell out money for preparation of petty things like Group Discussions(GD) or Personal Interviews(PI)…Nor would you regularly need to read lifeless pages of a newspaper(barring, of course the Page 3 which has all the life) or yucky Economics magazines for being up to date with current economic trends and current affairs…

Your SAVIOUR is here…I will give you a panacea but the only promise you have to make is to honestly follow my instructions and I promise I will lead you to zenith of success!! But, don’t question or think. Just follow the steps I have so carefully assembled…These have been tried and tested by me and hence you do not need to worry about the results! Have faith and follow the GOLDEN PRINCIPLES:

Just a few accessories you need to carry: Keep a small PAPER PIN, A PIECE OF PAPER AND a PEN & a NEWSPAPER and leave for the Railway Station…Yes you read it right, the RAILWAY STATION. See, you have to reach there by 4 pm approx, OK. So, plan and leave your home accordingly…

When you reach there, don’t bother to buy the ticket because no bloody TT would have the guts to check your ticket today…Now, head straight to the platform. “Which Platform” did you ask??Any platform you may please SIR…It will not make even an iota of a difference, you will see.

Now, on the platform wait for a train for which maximum numbers of people are enquiring at the enquiry…It is not rocket science actually. It is simply that you have to board a train which each single soul on the platform wants to board apparently no matter what and which is in the time slot of 4:30 -5 pm . Yeah-yeah, it’s going to be a big rush affair I know and hopefully now you understand why I didn’t ask you to buy the ticket,haa! I know those palms are getting sweaty and all but all I can do is sympathize with you at this point of time. I can be a hard taskmaster, I know.

So…decided which train to board huh …Wait for your train to arrive. 5-minutes to go before your train arrives..4minutes to go..3minutes to go..2 minutes and then……. 45 minutes to go! Surprised?? It has got to do nothing with time machine dear it’s just Indian trains at their best!! Getting late is their “berth-right”! Anyways…Finally after 50 minutes, there comes your ultra modern fully mobile “Coach-ing” center. Now, time to get in dear…Don’t even look at those partially empty coaches, aim for the chockablock ones…And Yes, If you wish to get into the coach then leave your etiquettes behind because if you don’t do that then you will be the one left behind! Now, Imagine yourself as an Orangutan and cling on to the handle bars on the entry point of the coach and squash whoever comes in your way and importantly run along with the train…Push, shove, grope, smack your elbow into other person’s eye and importantly use that PAPER PIN to puncture buttocks swinging in your face and make your way through the mess… Don’t give up and for God sake HURRY UP!! I assure you that only this step is tough, rest all would just flow!! Now I suppose you are in the “COACH-ing” but I know you are feeling drowsy and I am sorry I forgot to ask you to carry an Oxygen Mask along with you. I know you are feeling drowsy because you have been subjected to extreme stress and more importantly to a GRAND MIXTURE of aromas comprising of smell of bidis,cigarette, gutkaa, onion, the perfect combo of sweaty armpits and killing deodorants which produces that stinking vinegar’ish fishy sort of smell and yes finally the prime ingredient…the majestic smell oozing from socks which were last washed because of the fear that they might be misunderstood as “Weapons of Mass Destruction(WMD)” when poor, GEORGE BUSH was searching for WMD’s in Iraq…Come on, now somehow sprinkle some cold water on your face and come to your senses and quickly take out the pen and paper and try to find a man whose age is around 50 or so and is surrounded by at least 4-5 other similar aged people and is constantly blabbering. There can be 2 cases now:

CASE 1) You Spotted ‘em!! Yippeee..Now, in your heart give them a holy bow and start moving towards them. They are your Gurus my friend, THE ENLIGHTENERS. Face them and try to hear all what they offer. Chances are they would be talking about how government has done over the past few years or better yet which party is going to be voted in power or maybe even which economic policies hurt government the most and which policies did wonders! Use your pen to scribble down al what they have to say. Try to pitch in your thoughts (no matter what) while the” educated souls who” GOD KNOWS WHY” are not in the cabinet” are talking, so as to test whether you would be able to do the same in a more civilized environment. I bet that even if you somehow manage to keep them shut for 10 micro seconds you will rock the GD no matter what. By the time you get off the train you will have an exhaustive list of cabinet ministers and the departments, what policies they formulated and exclusive insights and expert opinions by the “ESTEEMED personalities who have an IQ of above 160 comfortably” travelling with you…I guarantee that if you learn by heart even 10% of what they say, then leave alone any GD, you will be well equipped to handle a crowd of zillion, pal… Savor every drop of the ambrosia flowing while the conversation lasts and silently thank them in your heart. And oh yes, study their facial expressions… Aah, see the tension on the face…I bet you would see this seriousness only on the face of a Prime Minister whose country is on the brink of the nuclear war OR on the face of a person whose mind is shrieking “…CAN NOT CONTROL…” but the eyes are still searching desperately for a loo… emergency times you know!! But yes, If you wish to do well then apart from the words they are uttering you also have to replicate “their” expressions in your GD to bring that LISTEN TO ME-OR-I-WILL-SUFFOCATE look!!!

Case 2) You try to spot your “Gurus” in the coach but all in vain…It’s not as if that even a single person in the train coach is not talking but its more like they have something “personal” or some “inhuman behavior” to talk about…”Personal” like there neighbour’s daughter-in-law’s brother’s friend’s sister is going around with someone…And INHUMAN behavior like being refused to be seated on a berth which had a capacity of 3 people but was already occupied by 7 and they tried to be the 8th one on that berth…It may further lead to discussions on the bloody YOUNG GENERATION and the Selfishness they ooze…It is a sensitive issue friend…Try to understand. But do not lose your heart. Now try to spot a 50-60 aged group who is silent or mumbling. Go there get hold of “that” newspaper i asked you to carry and while pretending that you are reading it utter something like ” This government is a failure” and blurb some arbitrary but famous politician’s name and shake your head in utter disbelief…You will soon get them going I assure!!! Soak in what all they say now. You are amidst a grand treat pal! But if somehow, assuming that you are in worst phase of luck of your life and thus they still insist on using mono syllables in their conversation then do not yet give up soldier. Say something like “America is helping Pakistan …” and let the blabber start! Be in the conversation for a few minutes and then finally take the backseat and start jotting down whatever they say. Trust me there will be many people among them who never get to speak at home in front of their wife and thus would be more than willing to pitch in their “invaluable comments”. But still if somehow they refuse to talk and pretend as if they will suffer monetary loss for every word they utter then throw in the SURESHOT one…Say “Sachin Tendulkar is not playing well these..” and you wont be able to complete your statement people will run in from the upper berth, the lower berth, the front seat, the backseat and the toilet seat alike to put in their views!! Lo…behold, you have broken the hornet’s nest you Wily fox! I agree that this topic is not of much use to you because you yourself are a walking Cricket Encyclopedia but you at least got them talking dude…When there tongues parch and it looks like that they can collapse anytime because of the weakness they suffered for the incessant rumbling they did, give that sucker punch…Now Say “…but politics drives cricket these days and…” and then i assure you my friend that the discussion would change the course dramatically for your good and you wil be doing nothing but jotting, scribbling and getting amazed at the variety of views they offer!! You will need to keep throwing some words from your side to move the conversation to your advantage…Just get off the train when you feel like you had enough for the day and return to your place.
I know this is tough but 1 thing for sure that if you repeat this activity for even 10-15 days then no bloody GD is tough for you…Sky is the limit my friend…Just a few advice…(a) Do not be foolish now to believe all what they say because when they are in flow they might even curse the government for the rising population of our country which i suppose is not impossible firstly because our Prime Minister is too busy a person to be going around each house and “helping” in upping the head count of our country and secondly the PM’s are generally too old to “help”, even if they wish to!! (b) Make sure that you board a train in the time slot 4:30-5PM because this is the time when these highly intellectual people are returning home from work and the whole day they have been kept mum by their “incapable” boss and thus they need to vent out all the GYAN they have before they become silent again when they confront their “BITTER HALF”…o sorry actually i meant “BETTER HALF” at their home…

Refine a few crude comments and you will notice that when you get off the train you have an amazing treasure in your hands! In fact you can start your own weekly magazine based which can go on for decades using the data you have gathered on your trip! This will go a long way in preparing you for an arduous GD…So and that is it from my side for the GD preparation guys.

Ahh Yes, the PI preparation part still remains haa…For that, just do 1 more thing…Go back to your home, face your father or mother(whoever is the DON in your family) and say “…I don’t want to study…I feel i would like to become a cricketer..” if you are a guy or replace the word “cricketer” with the word “MODEL” if you are girl and I assure you that PI would start…The only difference being that PI would be equivalent to “Personal Interrogation” in this case and can lead to PI which now is the acronym for “Pathetic Injuries”!!

ALL THE BEST Aspirant…Wishing you a good health!!

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