With two protruding teeth which a baby walrus would be proud of, my sweet brother one day innocently asked me about the condition of the “market” and what do we do (if at all) in the IT field…That monster who is in 2nd year of B.Tech, which is by far the most enjoyable phase of the life, was getting fidgety about the damn career at such a tender age!! Then and there, I decided to compile all the learnings I have gathered over the 2 years at a single place for him and other similar inquisitive minded people, so that they may have a clearer idea of what to expect when they enter this Crap-rate… i mean Corporate world!!

This one is for you brother!

Below is the exhaustive list of all what you can expect this field. You will encounter…

1. PPT & EXCEL-LESS :

When I was a fresher I used to believe that PPT stands for Power Point presentations but now I am really confused. PPT either stands for simply Pee-Pee-Tea or Purposely perplexing trainings.

PPT can be Pee-Pee-tea because you would notice that seldom all the attendees of a PPT present in the hall at once. To somehow survive these enlightening sessions, the “forced attendees” keep on leaving the room, in a disciplined fashion of course, on the pretence of either wanting to pee and hence moving out of the PPT session hall and moving towards the much peaceful washroom OR on the pretence of needing to take a tea in order to be awake. Thus I think the name Pee-Pee-Tea seems to be apt! Infact, such is the frequency of people moving out for a trip to washroom that you as a fresher might be fooled into thinking that they suffer from bladder disorders. It’s not that friend; it’s just Pee-Pee-Tea in full flow!

PPT can be Purposely Perplexing Trainings too because the presenter would use the most horrific existing jargons in order to confuse and scare you and might succeed in scaring you more than a blood curdling horror movie would(No I am not talking about the “Comedy” films by Ram Gopal Verma). The presenter, purposely tries to glorify and create mystique around the topics which are either Useless or UsedLess!. They serve 1 major purpose though: They help you catch a quick nap (obviously I assumed that you would not be foolish enough to be in the line of sight of your Boss).

So, whatever PPT stands for, one thing for sure – you will encounter them right from the day you are inducted, to the day you leave or get fired(depending on the market conditions off course).

When people ask me which language to study thoroughly or which technology to concentrate on, I can do nothing but smile and feel embarassed when my mind says”XLS”. No technology or language comes even closer in importance to this green devil alias Excel or XLS sheet. The fact of the matter is that the earlier you progress with those impressive languages or technologies in your repertoire the earlier you would encounter XLS and then all those languages would count for nothing and you would start to feel EXCEL-LESS because it involves no special skill…It’s just the matter of filling data into it via Copy-Paste most of the times and you grow habitual to it,sooner rather than later! But yes, some days xls seem to have a mood of their own and no matter what data you fill into it, it will fill what it feels like and you can do nothing but go hysteric!! And yes, the xls uses formulae to validate data filled into it and I swear that some of the formulae used in the xls might make the formulae for Bernoulli’s theorem you studied/skipped in Physics, look like a child’s play. Beware Mate, it can be hazardous at times!

2. MEE-T’h’INGs :

Often called under the disguise of “Team” Meetings, the last thing we talk of in the meting is about the progress of the ” team” on the whole! Instead people blabber and exaggerate non-stop about how important and technical was the job which they did, when in reality whatever they did might be as “significant” as making a document with the help of the magical COPY-PASTE and as “technical” as rebooting the PC when nothing seemed to work! It’s all about ME-MINE-MYSELF and whoever says WE instead of me is under the threat of being mistaken as dependent or incompetent! If you don’t speak a word amidst the chaos then also you will suffer the similar fate! I must add that not all teams are the same though because in some teams there is 1 beautiful damsel who hardly talks, but I tell you, her eye movements will remind you of KathaKalee dancer’s eye movements and her “innocent” expressions might make the sultry acting of Salma Hayek look kiddish! If even a single fairy of such kind exists in your team then there no prizes for guessing that who will get the credit of all the work done ,without even needing to utter a single word.

3. Playing TT and Rugby:

Beware you Chinese people…We Indians will not only outnumber you one day but also upstage your best TT players very soon! We will be outright winners hands down winners because we play TT all the time in our offices and we do not even need the racket/bat to play! All that we need is a “work” which wasn’t done as intended! Now whenever a higher authority enquires about the “work”, the game begins. We suddenly realize that we are a team! A says B is responsible for the issues and B says A is the culprit. The Ping-pong starts and goes on till the “Higher official aka referee” somehow reaches a final verdict I don’t know how!

Now TT is fine but you might be thinking RUGBY!!…how the hell! We are superb at it too. Just let the boss congratulate the team on a job well done. Soon, each and every member would try to take the credit and keep it as close to his chest as possible and take it to his corner so that he may produce it before the Boss when the time for remuneration rrives!

So as you might have noticed that we simply know 1 thing…Accomplishments are meant to be snared and Failures are meant to be shared! That’s it!!

Whoops-a-daisy, how i forgot! Got to attend a MEET’H’ING…But I promise I will be back soon with the second installment of “It’s all about I.T.”…See you then!

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