This is the second installment of “It’s all about I.T.” as promised…carrying on from “It’s all about I.T…. PART-1”

Once you are in this “9 to 9 job but required to do nothing” field, you will face…

4. TERMINOLOGIES aka TERM-No-LOGICS & STATS-TICS

As soon as you enter your project you will be introduced to your PM. PM stands for “Problem Multiplier” and whoever tells you that the PM stands for Project Manager, is a bloody gossip monger! The sole purpose of PM being there is to ensure that you never run out of problems or pathetic circumstances. He will use all his expertise and experience to load you with tasks which might require 3 Einstein minds connected in series (or parallel whichever connection gives you higher output…I got 39 out of 100 in Electrical semester exam…That must give you a clear idea of how good my basics are, hence No further discussions please). When he does it to you just remember 1 thing…You are not the only one who is suffering and more importantly remember that this happens in every field!

Team Leader is a misnomer for TL for sure. I think TL stands for “Traumatically Lackadaisical“. Most probably, he will be the interface between you and your PM and would neither understand your views nor the PM’s views and most importantly would have no views whatsoever of his own because all his views would have been prematurely killed by who else but the PM! Don’t be worried if you see your TL staring into nothing for hours and then suddenly grinning…He must be dreaming yet again of his days as a fresher or about that wonderful Onsite opportunity he got aeons ago! Ohh sorry you must not be knowing what ONSITE is…See I have never been to ONSITE, so maybe the view of ONSITE I hold is a twisted one but according to me ONSITE is a place where the chocolates are sold at the cost of groundnuts because whoever goes there comes back with loads of toffees and chocolates and distributes it in the team…Further having heard from the people who have been to onsite, about the traumatic stories of been over loaded(or ever loaded to be precise) with work and being present right under the nose of the client, I can safely infer it to be a hell on earth! But yes, the incentives and the money you get when you are at onsite, makes it slightly less painful. So, it’s more like that your boss promises you that you would be flanked by “Riya Sen faced” nurses and would be treated in the AIIMS Hospital, but all you have to do is to survive “a few bruises” you suffer when you will be left among the pack of sharks! Nothing comes for free you know!.

And yes, my most hated ones-the graphs and the Statistics. For one reason or another you will have a date with these graphs every now and then and just to let you know , till today I haven’t understood a single Graph completely and I fear that this is not going to change for another 20 years at least! You might think that I am a person with a sublevel mind but when the graph looks somewhat like an 8 Dimensional figure stuffed somehow into a 2 Dimensional plane, then your brain can be excused for lapsing, Isn’t it? And on top of it, they have the guts to emblazon the graphs and fill out the X-axis, Y-axis and all the other bloody axes with technically fancy jargon! I think they should be sued for Indecent Technical behavior in public.

Further, from time to time, it might seem to you that your PM is suffering from some serious speech impediment because he compulsively utters REVENUE or RESOURCES or PRODUCTIVITY in every 5 words!! (For the curious mind out there REVENUE is the moolah you/your project generates, RESOURCE is the employee himself and PRODUCTIVITY is amount of effort your PM is able to squeeze out from you, darling!) Don’t get rattled, it’s perfectly normal for him and as far as I know, it somehow makes them feel knowledgeable and more like THE BOSS. It’s the regular Tics he gets for puking “Big, heavy and technically laced words” every now and then and hence the name of the disease is STATS-TICS!

5. yippE-mails and yuckE-mails :

To simplify it for you, the E-mails which you will receive during the office hours can easily be categorized into either yuckE-mails or yippE-mails. yuckE-mails are the hellish mails you will get from your team, client, boss, boss’s boss and so on. It might contain loads of information and lots of bravo/obscenities (depending on the way you performed your assignment) but more often than not would mean nothing to you. You will just go through them for the sake of it, but if given a chance would like to delete these mails as soon as they arrive!

yippE-mails are the mails which you will get from your real close friends. These are my all-time favourite and would be your favourite too, I know. There will be one grand E-mail chain which would have all your close and dear ones in it and all would be discussing something totally worthless or something of high importance like planning and scheduling a trip together. Each and everyone would be putting their “valuable” views forward and whoever doesn’t reply frequently with the excuse that “I am busy” might be banished from the chain conversations henceforth and more importantly is labeled as a “showoff” because barring some exceptional days we all know how much work there is in this industry! These mails will help you in reliving those good old college days when you and your friends used to gather in the canteen and laugh and giggle with every passing second.

These yippE-mails mails are really “worthless” because if given an option I would not swap even a single yippE-mail with even 1000’s of yuckE-mails which congratulate me on a job well done!

And yes, you might not make a separate folder for the mails which are work-related but for sure, there will be one separate folder named FRIENDs which will contain all the yippE-mails.

In short, yuckE-mails make you livid and yippE-mails make college time memories more vivid! Got it???

6. I-TEA…Finally!

The Tea plants in Assam are balding and it’s all because of this bloody outsourcing, I tell you! An IT guy drinks at least 3-4 cups of tea/coffee daily…I am talking about the normal one’s dear, forget for now the geeks who are engrossed in their works and thus require more supply of tea/coffee to keep their grey cells going! We Indians are crazy for tea or and every human is crazy for anything which is free and thus the coffee-machines are just the perfect combo for us. The wide variety of tea/coffee and that too free make us go berserk and results in popping us out of our seat, every now and then. All the scandals, cricket, who-is-going-around-with-whom and politics are discussed over the coffee table and apparently never without a cup in hand. TEA…we love thee!

My Gyan stops here and It’s a big lecture I know… Just 1 piece of advice for you, friend. Remember and follow it without second thought and you will feel at ease in this field…

Even if you feel like a “clown” lost in the crowd of “intellectuals”, don’t confess this to others…Remember that “they” look like Intellectuals because “they” have put on more “makeup”- which by the way , “They” term as “Experience”!

That’s it for I.T….Have a great career ahead!

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