Ahaa…its that time of the year again. We take resolves which generally dissolve within a few days but not this time. Here are mine:

1) Have to have a GF :

See I am sick of being alone so my first resolve is to have to have to have to have a GF no matter how. See, I do not have any fancy ideas as to what I want from my GF. Just a few things which I would want from her :

a) She should develop severe skin rashes or puke or develop memory blackout when she thinks of SHOPPING, in other words be allergic to the concept of shopping.

b) Should not believe those once in a blue-moon rumors that her boyfriend is cheating on her. Just an additional piece of info that in my case once in a blue-moon means once in a fortnight and rumors of rumors being rumors are generally rumors!

c) She should be willing to decrypt my mood swings, must have NO mood swings of her own.

d) Should be somebody who blabbers less and listens more.

Considering my special needs and requirements Japanese Robot maker company HONDA contacted me and told me that all these qualities are present in a Male robot by default but I don’t want to be a gaybot (I don’t know what you call a person whose better half is a male robot so coined this termJ ) so when I enquired further said that whenever they try to inculcate points a and d(from the above list) in the female version of the robot, the wires fuse, diodes blow up and the female robo darling short circuits with a bang! They further informed me that they can not foresee any such technology for the next 362436 years atleast!

I wont budge though, the search is still on…

2)Clean the bed which currently serves the purpose of almirah:

A few days back I dreamt of being stuck in deep mud water with a sweetish and sticky sort of a fragrance…The smell was sooo real and familiar and on top of it a robotic creature was trying to spear in gently with something cold and blunt…Somehow I couldn’t figure it out in the dream and out of the unique frustation of being speared by a blunt something i woke up. And i got it what was it all about. The smell was of Kissan mixed fruit jam and my nose was safely perched on the cusp of the open bottle which was lying on my bed! Gingerely I scratched my back to see what was underneath my back and Voila out it came – a serving spoon! Now I understand that for the past few weeks, why I repeatedly dreamt of banana smelling as mango and mango smelling as grape. Damn that mixed fruit jam!

But yeah my room is even worse shape. In fact Delhi Association of Owners of Antique pieces and Museums are pleading to let mine room be their pride…So, as you see, its not that bad actually.

I agree that my bed is the abode of 3 jackets + 1 white shawl, 2-3 pair of Jockey, 2 mega Kaju packets which could feed a hungry mohallaa, 2 novels suffering from elephantiasis, uncountable mock papers which will make me a millionaire one fine day when I will sell all of them in raddee, 2-3 newspapers of last 2-3 days or so and 2 diaries where I write my compositions(the diaries are empty as such but the spirit to write remains) …

For a change I want to lie on the whole bed “alone” and I don’t want to wake up someday with broken ribs as the result of being buried beneath novels and notebooks, with Jockey on my head and ears, jam in my nostrils, the jackets and the white shawl perfectly serving the purpose of a coffin cloth.

3) Balancing my work and life:

For the past few years I have been employed I have noticed there is a huge imbalance between my work and my life. There is too little work I tell you and too much of life! But that is not what I am supposed to do right. So this year what I will try is to create even more imbalance by writing more an more and more till the weight shifts decidedly towards one thing;)Wish me all the luck…i wil need it for sure;)

Have a happy new year and have a blast:)

Have fun:)


Confession time folks…Yes I used at least 90% of the reasons I mentioned in the last post Readymade “poetic” Reasons if u flunk the CAT:)” when one person or another enquired about how did I fare in CAT…In fact my urgency to reply with a new and a novel reason would have comfortably put to shame Tiger Wood’s urgency to start the “game”…Pun intended! (Those of you who don’t know who is Tiger woods or what “spectacular” he did, I would suggest think of a playboy who occasionally plays a sport at which he is a genius, apart from “playing” with what you expect a playboy to “play” with…Too many plays eh!) I did that replying with absolutely-absurd reasons-which-only-a-breathing-stone-would-believe thing for 1 week or so and then finally when I could not devise anymore reasons which might remotely explain that why I flunked the CAT, I decided to do a reality check and scanned my mental system for a reason that why was I doing it and not long after VOILA..I got it. I am suffering from a deadly, pernicious disease called WHINE FLU…no i did not spell it wrong. It’s not SWINE but WHINE Flu sire…Now what’s that, did you say?? Actually it’s a pandemic which has been prevalent since this earth has been inhabited by lazy bums with inflated egos who excel at nothing but giving quarter hearted attempts at everything that comes there way and then shouting reasons on which only a deaf can control his guffaw!! Sounds familiar already?? I always knew some of you will give me company!

See people, there is nothing to panick about although the virus which causes WHine Flu is a deadly one. The name of the virus is H.ONE.B-N1 aka “H”ave “O”ne “N”ew “E”mbarrasing failure “B”lame “N”e 1!! But to hell with the symptoms and to hell with the virus yaar. Savour the moment…We are in majority on this planet, no need to worry…Only 10% of the population on this planet comprises of those single minded hard working souls who sweat hard to meet their cherished aims but i tell you these champs can never ever realize what pleasure do we chumps enjoy by doing nothing and blaming everything dead or alive for anything that goes wrong. We are happy in our own whining ways you know.

Now, sample this conversation Question: Hey how is your career shaping dude. Enjoing?? Answer: Aah… the bloody company I work for doesn’t recognize talent u know. Its shit I am stuck in. And also I am not able to get over “her” memories..We had a strong relationship you know…Once I get over it, I will prosper for sure…And moreover I never wanted to be in this silly IT industry! Question: Ohh so saaad to hear that…But why things didn’t work out with her? And if you don’t like this industry why don’t you try something else. Something your kinda job?? Answer: Ahh…you know she was too possessive and over bearing kinda girl and always wanted her share of time…I love space, my space! So, you know… And as far as changing the track and all it’s too late actually…My parent forced me too Btech and all. I was never interested in it (although you might have never known what the hell you were interested in apart from ogling at the those angels from different angles but NEVER SAY THAT ALOUD baby…let the fault lie with somebody else) Question: But Mr. XYZ which is in the same company and same domain as yours is doing good, why not you? Answer: Yaar, he is damn plain lucky I tell you. Luck matters a lot in life u know and I have none of it!

So get the drift haa?? If you can see yourself as the person who will answer on similar lines then congrats you are infected too. One more check now, the second symptom …Its something like even though you might be as happy and “satisfied” as Tiger Woods who has played a perfect “game”(err either of the “games” I mean) then also you somehow don’t admit it and subconsciously you try to find fault with one thing for another. It is a subtle symptom and to look for it I asked myself that when was the last time I replied with “I am doing great” and really meant it too, to a question as simple as “How are you?”…I knew in the heart of my hearts that if the person asking the question enquires a bit further and says “ohh you are doing great…nice to hear that!!” then I was sure to say “not really..” and then lay open the grand fat suitcase containing tones of whines and a zillion wrong doings this merciless human race has inflicted on me! Poor me, innocent me and this cunning merciless world! Huh.

So by now you would have figured out whether H.ONE.B-N1 has already attacked you or not. If yesss then let me have the pleasure to invite you to be a part of a group called as say WHINER’s WHINING TABLE or WHINE &WIN club or anything which you suggest, where all of us would brainstorm and devise new never heard before reasons for failing (and lets pledge that we will not use reasons such as “luck” and “he was from a financially stable background” as they are too often used. Be creative, man!) and lets compile all the reasons which would massage our egos at one place(something like a big database you know) so that it keeps us prepared and give us – “the WHIMPERMEN” the courage to face those SUPERMAN who believe in the saying “Doing anything honestly and whole heartedly creates the difference between whining and winning”. To heck with them I say.

Raise your voice and do let me know who all plan to join me in this quest…The game starts now!

Sweetheart Sharmishtha Payal,

Ohhh…Sorry for that clumsy cutting of the name and all but you know, i have wasted enough time and paper for this mundane activity, so I am not going to waste another one just because of a small blemish…So i will write a e-love letter…Coool no! Before the questions start to choke your tiny brain again, I myself confess that “ Sharmishtha” is the same girl over whom we fought the last time and you decided to call off our relation because I refused to tell you the name of the girl who calls me every now and then and sends me gifts. You know what, “Sharmishtha” never called me up more than 5-6 times a day, never ever talked beyond 50 minutes and moreover mostly called me during the night time and as far as gift issue is concerned she never gifted me twice in the same week…God knows what irritated you so much darling… Tomorrow if I kiss or cuddle your hot sister then you might suspect that I am in love with her! No baby no…This is ridiculous thinking to say the least but I know that you can be stubborn at times. But because I am the more adjusting and tolerant one among the 2 of us, I have decided to ignore the scene and hullabaloo you create over small stupid things from now on. Gosh…Lets not start it all over again…Only 1 thing I can say dear…I know you are not perfect but I am ready to change my nature for you, what more can a girl desire of his man!! Lucky you!

Anyways its time to be romantic….You know Payal, I missed you a lot during the past 8 months when I wasn’t with you. Every now and then, 1 thing or the other, directly or indirectly made me think of you and that made me realize how big a part of my life are you. For instance, just 3-4 days after our break up I was looking at my ugly “Piggy bank” and that made me miss you so so much. No, no…not because the ugly piggy of the “piggy bank” had the lower lip thrust out exactly as yours but more so because however hard I may try I was not able to re-collect the last time I had to use my own money when I was with you . And now poor me has to even search the piggy bank to survive! Come back darling I miss u so so much. I cant survive like this. You were my support system in the true sense dear…

Then as days passed I started to recover from the break up but then one day when I was casually looking at my wardrobe , a question popped up in my mind…Who would want you back in my life more desperately, I or my cloth hangers!! Whenever I look at those nude hangers I remember those glory days when we were together, which bring tears to my eyes. Thanks to the clothes which you used to buy me, I flaunted a new piece of clothing every fortnight at least and now I fear the day I near would come when I will I have to use the clothes which Sharmishta secretly gifted me! This is scary stuff you know because ideally I wouldn’t want to use them, as those are precious memories to me and memories are meant to be preserved and not used…Don’t test me dear and comeback quick, I love you from the bottom of my heart and my empty wardrobe does it too!

These memories can be killing you know… The other day I was passing by a High class restaurant and I at once remembered the wonderful delicacies we enjoyed on the expense of your well paid job. 1 more confession to make dear. Did it not ever come to your mind that the frequency of restaurants visits we made was directly proportional to the number of gifts you got from me…My lovely darling, the reason was that the tip you used to leave, never ever reached the waiter…Yes you read it correctly…It never reached the waiter because I pounced on it before the poor waiter could and then I reused it buy you a gift!! In simple maths, 1 high class restaurant visit was = 2 gorgeous dresses…1 so so restaurant visit was = Makeup accessory/Fancy bangle and 1 cheap restaurant visit was = 1 archies card…Got it…So now you agree naa that I am not a gourmet or a selfish person darling…I see you in every moment, and think about you in every passing second…Yesterday when I was alone and feeling quite bored, I somehow yawned because of the boredom and guess what followed the yawn…A bucketful of tears sweetheart because the yawn suddenly made me remember the endless chats we had whenever you felt that your vocal chords needed exercising. I miss you so so much dear and I must say that your presence in my life was “comforting” to say the least. One last confession to make by the way…You remember when I nicknamed you Mani you asked the logic behind it and I said there is no logic as such…There is logic behind everything I do darling…I nicknamed you MANI because it sounds like MONEY…Cool thinking, Aint it!

You know dear I have changed a lot over the last few months. Ever since the day I started watching DISCOVERY and NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC channel I somehow feel a new respect for your parents. The other day in a program on gorillas on the DISCOVERY channel, it was shown that the mother gorilla always bares her teeth and snarls at the other gorillas who wish to mate with the daughter gorilla. Not only this, the mother gorilla even goes to the length of conspiring (yes conspiring!!) and complaining to the father gorilla about it however healthy (the screening factor before mating for a gorilla) the prospective gorilla maybe! If a female Chimp can do it so why should I feel bad when your mother does it! After we have all evolved from the chimps so we would have some characteristics of theirs, right… Its a different story although that the mother gorilla may do it out of love for her daughter unlike humans who might have ulterior motives but that is why they are human. Point, isn’t it!

In another program on NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC I got to know of 1 more fact (which I initially thought that was total crap and the NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC guys are insane) … In any of the specie except for the lion, a male can never ever override what the female partner wants however right he may be…I thought what is the big deal…Humans have mind and yes, heart too and they can act accordingly but I tell you these NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC guys really put a lot into there studies and the way your father has handled our love matter it supports the theory even more. I don’t blame your father dear…after all he is not a LION naa…So the conclusion is that blame is not of your parents’…lets blame it on evolution and mother nature!! So nothing against your parents and I will respect your parent from now on for being so …hmm…err…what to say…what to say…what to say…lets say HUMAN(phew…took long time to think no!!)

So…Finally as you can see that all point are sorted out so I hope you would have realized how much I loved you and I how much I miss you now…Come back darling, and for 1 more time trust me dear…To end it on a romantic note, etch in mind what I say-

Sharmishtha, “Payal” is out of my mind for once and for all and I have got no one but you on my mind.

Miss you my “M”oney…I mean “H”oney…Waiting for you…

This is the second installment of “It’s all about I.T.” as promised…carrying on from “It’s all about I.T…. PART-1”

Once you are in this “9 to 9 job but required to do nothing” field, you will face…

4. TERMINOLOGIES aka TERM-No-LOGICS & STATS-TICS

As soon as you enter your project you will be introduced to your PM. PM stands for “Problem Multiplier” and whoever tells you that the PM stands for Project Manager, is a bloody gossip monger! The sole purpose of PM being there is to ensure that you never run out of problems or pathetic circumstances. He will use all his expertise and experience to load you with tasks which might require 3 Einstein minds connected in series (or parallel whichever connection gives you higher output…I got 39 out of 100 in Electrical semester exam…That must give you a clear idea of how good my basics are, hence No further discussions please). When he does it to you just remember 1 thing…You are not the only one who is suffering and more importantly remember that this happens in every field!

Team Leader is a misnomer for TL for sure. I think TL stands for “Traumatically Lackadaisical“. Most probably, he will be the interface between you and your PM and would neither understand your views nor the PM’s views and most importantly would have no views whatsoever of his own because all his views would have been prematurely killed by who else but the PM! Don’t be worried if you see your TL staring into nothing for hours and then suddenly grinning…He must be dreaming yet again of his days as a fresher or about that wonderful Onsite opportunity he got aeons ago! Ohh sorry you must not be knowing what ONSITE is…See I have never been to ONSITE, so maybe the view of ONSITE I hold is a twisted one but according to me ONSITE is a place where the chocolates are sold at the cost of groundnuts because whoever goes there comes back with loads of toffees and chocolates and distributes it in the team…Further having heard from the people who have been to onsite, about the traumatic stories of been over loaded(or ever loaded to be precise) with work and being present right under the nose of the client, I can safely infer it to be a hell on earth! But yes, the incentives and the money you get when you are at onsite, makes it slightly less painful. So, it’s more like that your boss promises you that you would be flanked by “Riya Sen faced” nurses and would be treated in the AIIMS Hospital, but all you have to do is to survive “a few bruises” you suffer when you will be left among the pack of sharks! Nothing comes for free you know!.

And yes, my most hated ones-the graphs and the Statistics. For one reason or another you will have a date with these graphs every now and then and just to let you know , till today I haven’t understood a single Graph completely and I fear that this is not going to change for another 20 years at least! You might think that I am a person with a sublevel mind but when the graph looks somewhat like an 8 Dimensional figure stuffed somehow into a 2 Dimensional plane, then your brain can be excused for lapsing, Isn’t it? And on top of it, they have the guts to emblazon the graphs and fill out the X-axis, Y-axis and all the other bloody axes with technically fancy jargon! I think they should be sued for Indecent Technical behavior in public.

Further, from time to time, it might seem to you that your PM is suffering from some serious speech impediment because he compulsively utters REVENUE or RESOURCES or PRODUCTIVITY in every 5 words!! (For the curious mind out there REVENUE is the moolah you/your project generates, RESOURCE is the employee himself and PRODUCTIVITY is amount of effort your PM is able to squeeze out from you, darling!) Don’t get rattled, it’s perfectly normal for him and as far as I know, it somehow makes them feel knowledgeable and more like THE BOSS. It’s the regular Tics he gets for puking “Big, heavy and technically laced words” every now and then and hence the name of the disease is STATS-TICS!

5. yippE-mails and yuckE-mails :

To simplify it for you, the E-mails which you will receive during the office hours can easily be categorized into either yuckE-mails or yippE-mails. yuckE-mails are the hellish mails you will get from your team, client, boss, boss’s boss and so on. It might contain loads of information and lots of bravo/obscenities (depending on the way you performed your assignment) but more often than not would mean nothing to you. You will just go through them for the sake of it, but if given a chance would like to delete these mails as soon as they arrive!

yippE-mails are the mails which you will get from your real close friends. These are my all-time favourite and would be your favourite too, I know. There will be one grand E-mail chain which would have all your close and dear ones in it and all would be discussing something totally worthless or something of high importance like planning and scheduling a trip together. Each and everyone would be putting their “valuable” views forward and whoever doesn’t reply frequently with the excuse that “I am busy” might be banished from the chain conversations henceforth and more importantly is labeled as a “showoff” because barring some exceptional days we all know how much work there is in this industry! These mails will help you in reliving those good old college days when you and your friends used to gather in the canteen and laugh and giggle with every passing second.

These yippE-mails mails are really “worthless” because if given an option I would not swap even a single yippE-mail with even 1000’s of yuckE-mails which congratulate me on a job well done!

And yes, you might not make a separate folder for the mails which are work-related but for sure, there will be one separate folder named FRIENDs which will contain all the yippE-mails.

In short, yuckE-mails make you livid and yippE-mails make college time memories more vivid! Got it???

6. I-TEA…Finally!

The Tea plants in Assam are balding and it’s all because of this bloody outsourcing, I tell you! An IT guy drinks at least 3-4 cups of tea/coffee daily…I am talking about the normal one’s dear, forget for now the geeks who are engrossed in their works and thus require more supply of tea/coffee to keep their grey cells going! We Indians are crazy for tea or and every human is crazy for anything which is free and thus the coffee-machines are just the perfect combo for us. The wide variety of tea/coffee and that too free make us go berserk and results in popping us out of our seat, every now and then. All the scandals, cricket, who-is-going-around-with-whom and politics are discussed over the coffee table and apparently never without a cup in hand. TEA…we love thee!

My Gyan stops here and It’s a big lecture I know… Just 1 piece of advice for you, friend. Remember and follow it without second thought and you will feel at ease in this field…

Even if you feel like a “clown” lost in the crowd of “intellectuals”, don’t confess this to others…Remember that “they” look like Intellectuals because “they” have put on more “makeup”- which by the way , “They” term as “Experience”!

That’s it for I.T….Have a great career ahead!

With two protruding teeth which a baby walrus would be proud of, my sweet brother one day innocently asked me about the condition of the “market” and what do we do (if at all) in the IT field…That monster who is in 2nd year of B.Tech, which is by far the most enjoyable phase of the life, was getting fidgety about the damn career at such a tender age!! Then and there, I decided to compile all the learnings I have gathered over the 2 years at a single place for him and other similar inquisitive minded people, so that they may have a clearer idea of what to expect when they enter this Crap-rate… i mean Corporate world!!

This one is for you brother!

Below is the exhaustive list of all what you can expect this field. You will encounter…

1. PPT & EXCEL-LESS :

When I was a fresher I used to believe that PPT stands for Power Point presentations but now I am really confused. PPT either stands for simply Pee-Pee-Tea or Purposely perplexing trainings.

PPT can be Pee-Pee-tea because you would notice that seldom all the attendees of a PPT present in the hall at once. To somehow survive these enlightening sessions, the “forced attendees” keep on leaving the room, in a disciplined fashion of course, on the pretence of either wanting to pee and hence moving out of the PPT session hall and moving towards the much peaceful washroom OR on the pretence of needing to take a tea in order to be awake. Thus I think the name Pee-Pee-Tea seems to be apt! Infact, such is the frequency of people moving out for a trip to washroom that you as a fresher might be fooled into thinking that they suffer from bladder disorders. It’s not that friend; it’s just Pee-Pee-Tea in full flow!

PPT can be Purposely Perplexing Trainings too because the presenter would use the most horrific existing jargons in order to confuse and scare you and might succeed in scaring you more than a blood curdling horror movie would(No I am not talking about the “Comedy” films by Ram Gopal Verma). The presenter, purposely tries to glorify and create mystique around the topics which are either Useless or UsedLess!. They serve 1 major purpose though: They help you catch a quick nap (obviously I assumed that you would not be foolish enough to be in the line of sight of your Boss).

So, whatever PPT stands for, one thing for sure – you will encounter them right from the day you are inducted, to the day you leave or get fired(depending on the market conditions off course).

When people ask me which language to study thoroughly or which technology to concentrate on, I can do nothing but smile and feel embarassed when my mind says”XLS”. No technology or language comes even closer in importance to this green devil alias Excel or XLS sheet. The fact of the matter is that the earlier you progress with those impressive languages or technologies in your repertoire the earlier you would encounter XLS and then all those languages would count for nothing and you would start to feel EXCEL-LESS because it involves no special skill…It’s just the matter of filling data into it via Copy-Paste most of the times and you grow habitual to it,sooner rather than later! But yes, some days xls seem to have a mood of their own and no matter what data you fill into it, it will fill what it feels like and you can do nothing but go hysteric!! And yes, the xls uses formulae to validate data filled into it and I swear that some of the formulae used in the xls might make the formulae for Bernoulli’s theorem you studied/skipped in Physics, look like a child’s play. Beware Mate, it can be hazardous at times!

2. MEE-T’h’INGs :

Often called under the disguise of “Team” Meetings, the last thing we talk of in the meting is about the progress of the ” team” on the whole! Instead people blabber and exaggerate non-stop about how important and technical was the job which they did, when in reality whatever they did might be as “significant” as making a document with the help of the magical COPY-PASTE and as “technical” as rebooting the PC when nothing seemed to work! It’s all about ME-MINE-MYSELF and whoever says WE instead of me is under the threat of being mistaken as dependent or incompetent! If you don’t speak a word amidst the chaos then also you will suffer the similar fate! I must add that not all teams are the same though because in some teams there is 1 beautiful damsel who hardly talks, but I tell you, her eye movements will remind you of KathaKalee dancer’s eye movements and her “innocent” expressions might make the sultry acting of Salma Hayek look kiddish! If even a single fairy of such kind exists in your team then there no prizes for guessing that who will get the credit of all the work done ,without even needing to utter a single word.

3. Playing TT and Rugby:

Beware you Chinese people…We Indians will not only outnumber you one day but also upstage your best TT players very soon! We will be outright winners hands down winners because we play TT all the time in our offices and we do not even need the racket/bat to play! All that we need is a “work” which wasn’t done as intended! Now whenever a higher authority enquires about the “work”, the game begins. We suddenly realize that we are a team! A says B is responsible for the issues and B says A is the culprit. The Ping-pong starts and goes on till the “Higher official aka referee” somehow reaches a final verdict I don’t know how!

Now TT is fine but you might be thinking RUGBY!!…how the hell! We are superb at it too. Just let the boss congratulate the team on a job well done. Soon, each and every member would try to take the credit and keep it as close to his chest as possible and take it to his corner so that he may produce it before the Boss when the time for remuneration rrives!

So as you might have noticed that we simply know 1 thing…Accomplishments are meant to be snared and Failures are meant to be shared! That’s it!!

Whoops-a-daisy, how i forgot! Got to attend a MEET’H’ING…But I promise I will be back soon with the second installment of “It’s all about I.T.”…See you then!

Enough of panic folks… No more would you need to worry or shell out money for preparation of petty things like Group Discussions(GD) or Personal Interviews(PI)…Nor would you regularly need to read lifeless pages of a newspaper(barring, of course the Page 3 which has all the life) or yucky Economics magazines for being up to date with current economic trends and current affairs…

Your SAVIOUR is here…I will give you a panacea but the only promise you have to make is to honestly follow my instructions and I promise I will lead you to zenith of success!! But, don’t question or think. Just follow the steps I have so carefully assembled…These have been tried and tested by me and hence you do not need to worry about the results! Have faith and follow the GOLDEN PRINCIPLES:

Just a few accessories you need to carry: Keep a small PAPER PIN, A PIECE OF PAPER AND a PEN & a NEWSPAPER and leave for the Railway Station…Yes you read it right, the RAILWAY STATION. See, you have to reach there by 4 pm approx, OK. So, plan and leave your home accordingly…

When you reach there, don’t bother to buy the ticket because no bloody TT would have the guts to check your ticket today…Now, head straight to the platform. “Which Platform” did you ask??Any platform you may please SIR…It will not make even an iota of a difference, you will see.

Now, on the platform wait for a train for which maximum numbers of people are enquiring at the enquiry…It is not rocket science actually. It is simply that you have to board a train which each single soul on the platform wants to board apparently no matter what and which is in the time slot of 4:30 -5 pm . Yeah-yeah, it’s going to be a big rush affair I know and hopefully now you understand why I didn’t ask you to buy the ticket,haa! I know those palms are getting sweaty and all but all I can do is sympathize with you at this point of time. I can be a hard taskmaster, I know.

So…decided which train to board huh …Wait for your train to arrive. 5-minutes to go before your train arrives..4minutes to go..3minutes to go..2 minutes and then……. 45 minutes to go! Surprised?? It has got to do nothing with time machine dear it’s just Indian trains at their best!! Getting late is their “berth-right”! Anyways…Finally after 50 minutes, there comes your ultra modern fully mobile “Coach-ing” center. Now, time to get in dear…Don’t even look at those partially empty coaches, aim for the chockablock ones…And Yes, If you wish to get into the coach then leave your etiquettes behind because if you don’t do that then you will be the one left behind! Now, Imagine yourself as an Orangutan and cling on to the handle bars on the entry point of the coach and squash whoever comes in your way and importantly run along with the train…Push, shove, grope, smack your elbow into other person’s eye and importantly use that PAPER PIN to puncture buttocks swinging in your face and make your way through the mess… Don’t give up and for God sake HURRY UP!! I assure you that only this step is tough, rest all would just flow!! Now I suppose you are in the “COACH-ing” but I know you are feeling drowsy and I am sorry I forgot to ask you to carry an Oxygen Mask along with you. I know you are feeling drowsy because you have been subjected to extreme stress and more importantly to a GRAND MIXTURE of aromas comprising of smell of bidis,cigarette, gutkaa, onion, the perfect combo of sweaty armpits and killing deodorants which produces that stinking vinegar’ish fishy sort of smell and yes finally the prime ingredient…the majestic smell oozing from socks which were last washed because of the fear that they might be misunderstood as “Weapons of Mass Destruction(WMD)” when poor, GEORGE BUSH was searching for WMD’s in Iraq…Come on, now somehow sprinkle some cold water on your face and come to your senses and quickly take out the pen and paper and try to find a man whose age is around 50 or so and is surrounded by at least 4-5 other similar aged people and is constantly blabbering. There can be 2 cases now:

CASE 1) You Spotted ‘em!! Yippeee..Now, in your heart give them a holy bow and start moving towards them. They are your Gurus my friend, THE ENLIGHTENERS. Face them and try to hear all what they offer. Chances are they would be talking about how government has done over the past few years or better yet which party is going to be voted in power or maybe even which economic policies hurt government the most and which policies did wonders! Use your pen to scribble down al what they have to say. Try to pitch in your thoughts (no matter what) while the” educated souls who” GOD KNOWS WHY” are not in the cabinet” are talking, so as to test whether you would be able to do the same in a more civilized environment. I bet that even if you somehow manage to keep them shut for 10 micro seconds you will rock the GD no matter what. By the time you get off the train you will have an exhaustive list of cabinet ministers and the departments, what policies they formulated and exclusive insights and expert opinions by the “ESTEEMED personalities who have an IQ of above 160 comfortably” travelling with you…I guarantee that if you learn by heart even 10% of what they say, then leave alone any GD, you will be well equipped to handle a crowd of zillion, pal… Savor every drop of the ambrosia flowing while the conversation lasts and silently thank them in your heart. And oh yes, study their facial expressions… Aah, see the tension on the face…I bet you would see this seriousness only on the face of a Prime Minister whose country is on the brink of the nuclear war OR on the face of a person whose mind is shrieking “…CAN NOT CONTROL…” but the eyes are still searching desperately for a loo… emergency times you know!! But yes, If you wish to do well then apart from the words they are uttering you also have to replicate “their” expressions in your GD to bring that LISTEN TO ME-OR-I-WILL-SUFFOCATE look!!!

Case 2) You try to spot your “Gurus” in the coach but all in vain…It’s not as if that even a single person in the train coach is not talking but its more like they have something “personal” or some “inhuman behavior” to talk about…”Personal” like there neighbour’s daughter-in-law’s brother’s friend’s sister is going around with someone…And INHUMAN behavior like being refused to be seated on a berth which had a capacity of 3 people but was already occupied by 7 and they tried to be the 8th one on that berth…It may further lead to discussions on the bloody YOUNG GENERATION and the Selfishness they ooze…It is a sensitive issue friend…Try to understand. But do not lose your heart. Now try to spot a 50-60 aged group who is silent or mumbling. Go there get hold of “that” newspaper i asked you to carry and while pretending that you are reading it utter something like ” This government is a failure” and blurb some arbitrary but famous politician’s name and shake your head in utter disbelief…You will soon get them going I assure!!! Soak in what all they say now. You are amidst a grand treat pal! But if somehow, assuming that you are in worst phase of luck of your life and thus they still insist on using mono syllables in their conversation then do not yet give up soldier. Say something like “America is helping Pakistan …” and let the blabber start! Be in the conversation for a few minutes and then finally take the backseat and start jotting down whatever they say. Trust me there will be many people among them who never get to speak at home in front of their wife and thus would be more than willing to pitch in their “invaluable comments”. But still if somehow they refuse to talk and pretend as if they will suffer monetary loss for every word they utter then throw in the SURESHOT one…Say “Sachin Tendulkar is not playing well these..” and you wont be able to complete your statement people will run in from the upper berth, the lower berth, the front seat, the backseat and the toilet seat alike to put in their views!! Lo…behold, you have broken the hornet’s nest you Wily fox! I agree that this topic is not of much use to you because you yourself are a walking Cricket Encyclopedia but you at least got them talking dude…When there tongues parch and it looks like that they can collapse anytime because of the weakness they suffered for the incessant rumbling they did, give that sucker punch…Now Say “…but politics drives cricket these days and…” and then i assure you my friend that the discussion would change the course dramatically for your good and you wil be doing nothing but jotting, scribbling and getting amazed at the variety of views they offer!! You will need to keep throwing some words from your side to move the conversation to your advantage…Just get off the train when you feel like you had enough for the day and return to your place.
I know this is tough but 1 thing for sure that if you repeat this activity for even 10-15 days then no bloody GD is tough for you…Sky is the limit my friend…Just a few advice…(a) Do not be foolish now to believe all what they say because when they are in flow they might even curse the government for the rising population of our country which i suppose is not impossible firstly because our Prime Minister is too busy a person to be going around each house and “helping” in upping the head count of our country and secondly the PM’s are generally too old to “help”, even if they wish to!! (b) Make sure that you board a train in the time slot 4:30-5PM because this is the time when these highly intellectual people are returning home from work and the whole day they have been kept mum by their “incapable” boss and thus they need to vent out all the GYAN they have before they become silent again when they confront their “BITTER HALF”…o sorry actually i meant “BETTER HALF” at their home…

Refine a few crude comments and you will notice that when you get off the train you have an amazing treasure in your hands! In fact you can start your own weekly magazine based which can go on for decades using the data you have gathered on your trip! This will go a long way in preparing you for an arduous GD…So and that is it from my side for the GD preparation guys.

Ahh Yes, the PI preparation part still remains haa…For that, just do 1 more thing…Go back to your home, face your father or mother(whoever is the DON in your family) and say “…I don’t want to study…I feel i would like to become a cricketer..” if you are a guy or replace the word “cricketer” with the word “MODEL” if you are girl and I assure you that PI would start…The only difference being that PI would be equivalent to “Personal Interrogation” in this case and can lead to PI which now is the acronym for “Pathetic Injuries”!!

ALL THE BEST Aspirant…Wishing you a good health!!

This post is in the memory of all those days which were brutally killed by my atrocious “Mood Flights”…Most of the post would depict my helplessness against my mood’s mood, so those who know me or peculiar histrionics of mine before hand, only 1 request… No smirks please, not even a trace of them…

No more circumlocution…straight to the point. Here I am not talking about the days on which the mood worsens because of external factors like say because you flunked and your crush’s crush topped the marks list, or because your bitter rival somehow got all the credit for the master copy of the tutorial you floated in the class or even worse- your girl friend’s best friend who has a voice as “amazing” as an ugly duck and lives her life by the motto Quack-till-you-die, decides to accompany you on your supposed date…God, that is soooooo painful, I understand, but it is also far too simple and straightforward because you can blindly pinpoint what went wrong and hence you have a reason to let the mood swing wildly. This post is just not about it. This is about those puzzling days when all things are as such flawless but still I feel like frowning at each and every perfection and I don’t know why? However hard I may try to smile that day, smiling seems to be as tough as is getting through IIT-JEE mains assumably! (I used “assumably” because I never had the good luck to taste IIT-JEE Mains and even the screening paper was Greek and Latin for me!). If by chance I somehow manage to eke out a smile, the lips decide to stick together as if they have been “soldered together” and won’t let a word out! Then the eyes would be so hopelessly out of synch with that supposedly smiling face that it would be kind of 2 contrasting half faces somehow assembled into 1 piece which naturally raises curiosity levels of the onlookers and forces them to enquire. On that “happening” day, it is almost like I am a time bomb with a faulty timer which itself doesnot know when will it explode!!Then finally the big moment – any person who tries to be nice and repeatedly asks the dreaded 2 words “WHAT HAPPENED??”, is in big-big trouble I am telling you. That “prey” would apparently face the entire wrath for the obnoxious little enquiry he/she made…And no don’t try to cheer me up because cheering is best left to cheer leaders and I swear that even the most gorgeous one’s can’t do there job that day.

It is quite insane I agree but it is not like that I have not tried to change it all…Initially, when I was new to this phenomena I got amazed at the intricacies of it and used to wonder that how does it happen that I would be as jovial, happy and full of life as a TEENAGER boy surrounded by booze and ooooooooooooohs(read it as “girls” if you that was not-so- obvious for you) for 2-3 days running and then out of the blue, suddenly on the 4th day a Black magic would be cast on me and I would be as mad as fore mentioned teenager’s father would be, on seeing the plight of his son! I remember trying to get to the root cause that causes this huge “mood-chaos” but to no avail…It was almost like Mr. Bean in all his pomp and glory couldn’t force my lips to even remotely resemble a smile on that cursed day! And to top it all, when people asked about what’s wrong, then I just could not single out any instance that caused it all…Then as I matured, I tried to lift myself up whenever I sensed this “mood-quake” coming my way, but the harder I tried, the softer target I became! Not any before that I had my wisdom tooth that I realized that instead of struggling with this paranormal activity, I should pretend that all is fine. Let it happen and see if it makes a difference. Alas…not an iota changed except for the fact that a trip to a mental hospital seemed a reality for the 1st time in my life.

I also really don’t know why I haven’t ever called Mood swings as Mood Swings and have always tried to coin new terms like “Not-so-Good Day” or “Off-day” or “Mood’s Wings Day”…May be because the name Mood swings somehow signifies that person has absolutely unbelievably unstable moods, while my “alter-mood” affects me, not any before than the 3rd day! Now don’t try to tell me that it is abnormal. I have heard enough of this before too. It is just that I am consistent and yes, it’s normal, quite normal for me at least!!

Now some advice time…I am very sure I am not the only person on this planet suffering from these “Mood-Tsunamis”…There are a whole lot of people out there who go through it and either they do not realize it or there ego doesn’t let them realize that they can be mishandled by there own mood. Each and every time they try to get to the bottom of this “abnormality” they end up coming out frustrated and irritated…During the last few years, I have believed in a wonderful piece of philosophy I have developed, which helps me a lot…It gives me much needed solace during these trying times. It goes as follows:

These “Mood-flips” are just like love…They come for no reason, they steal the ability to think, can strike you anytime and no matter how hard you try you can not put in words or explain to anybody, what you are going through…So no point fighting/sulking…Do as you will do in “love”…Just embrace the feeling and fly into a new world!!!

Please surely let me know if it helps you because if it does it will do 2 things:

1) Make me feel much-2 better…

2) I will have someone who will acccompany me when I make a trip to psychiatrist…See you there Dude!!

Panic…outright panic from the time we got to know of the “news”!! The kind of news that sends shivers down the spine…The “news” was that my room mate’s wife was accompanying him and she was to stay for 7 days at our place…Yes, you read it right…S-E-V-E-N days!!! No, I am not self centered or mean kind of guy but 7 days is a loooooooooong period…

A little about the place of where I stay and how I stay so that you can sympathize with me a little more OR maybe a LOT MORE…

It’s a 3 room flat where “we” stay and “we” here, is equal to 4 Neanderthals who in habitat this place …We have 1 room at the 2nd floor at 2 rooms at 1st floor. Now something about the room…

The 1 room at the 1st floor is fully occupied by clothes, socks, containers, bottles, newspapers, slippers, shoes, “essential garments”, pamphlets, garbage, bags, water bottles, pickle bottles, perfume bottles.In fact bottle collection might seem like a hobby when you see the collection. You name it and we have it. The spider webs and dust would make you feel almost like no body lives at our place. The exhaust fan does not work, the bulb keeps getting fused every 3rd day, the fan in this room hasn’t worked since we came to live. But then actually its kind of good that the fan does not work in this room because if it did, it would have created a sort of mini sand storm owing to tonnes of dust we have so “carefoolishly” accumulated. And yes, when you enter our flat make sure that you have your helmet on because the cloth hangers are hanging low waiting to hit you – bang on the head…and, finally the clothes which are hanging on a rod which is supposed to support curtains and before you even think “no we do not entertain the idea of curtains”… In short, this room actually does what an almirah or municipality Garbage bin can only dream of…So you can well imagine what the state of the room is… God forbid if you drop something in this room and you desperately want it then the only option would be to put your scuba diving mask on and just jump in the mess and you may or may not find the thing you were searching for but I guarantee that you will get a feel of what Sand surfing is like!!!
On a serious note I fear, that if by any chance, someday a person who is even remotely interested in excavation sites and all, makes a visit to our place he might well think that the “room “ is actually a Museum and contains items belonging to Mohenjo-Daro Harappa culture !! To top it all the museum/room I described is the entry point to our flat…You have to cross this room and as you progress you might stumble upon a bucket…Yeah, you read it right B-U-C-K-E-T in the main room to enter our Wonder land(or BANDAR land whatever may appeal to you). No we do not live in the desert and we do not require large storages of water, it is just that all the buckets do not fit into the tiny match box size bathrooms…What’s the big deal!!!

Then comes the 2nd room (1st floor) of our flat. For a change the fan does work (yippee!!) but it’s eerie because when you will switch on the fan then you will get all the circulation of air you need but I bet you can not locate the fan. This magic trick of making the fan disappear is not easy and not every body has the guts to do it you know…But I will let out the secret to you my friends, I am a generous soul. So for this trick you have to just ensure continuous accumulation of dust on the fan till the weight of the accumulated dust is equal to the weight of the fan itself! Now don’t try to be extra smart and let go on with the accumulation of dust because another trick can then follow i.e. the fan”dust”ic fan might land on you because of the excess weight!! So be careful and I would suggest DO NOT TRY THIS AT YOUR HOME but at the rented flat it is appealing, I admit!!

Further, 3 living beings who closely resemble human beings (at least on office days) live at this floor…I would not bore you much with the description of us but would like to tell you that we live by the famous proverb” LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST & FILL YOUR STOMACH TO THE FULLEST” and yep we don’t give a damn whether it’s a proverb or not. And 1 thing, if you wish to educate a kid who has never been to a railway station, about what does a PLATFORM look like then do visit this room … It is a master piece and I bet the kid would have a picture etched out in his mind forever!!

The room at 2nd floor is fine and deserves no comment except for the fact the wash Basin of the top floor room can actually quite easily put the city’s most amazing library to shame!! The basin (oh yeah, of course, it doesn’t work otherwise we could have thought of employing it as aquarium) contains all the academic as well as literary stuff alike… We are literary enthusiasts you know… Books galore my friends and if you are loyal enough to this bloggie I can issue some passes to you people!!

So when we got to know that ALICE( my roomies wife) would be there to stay with us, there was panic which can be compared to panic during the war period or during an earthquake at least…Why wouldn’t there be?? We have a grand total of 8 utensils you know…3 plates, 2 bowl, 1 utensil which we suppose a bowl, 2 spoons including 1 spoon which is hell bent on showing off malleability stunts and has some how acquired a close to circular shape(No dear nobody is DAARA SINGH among us but ferocity with which we eat) Further I confess it’s also about the clothes we wear at our abode…More often than not we are 2 step away from our birthday suits…Further our body frames are pathetic…When we move its almost akin to undergarments roaming on hangers. But we don’t roam in “them” to show off…it’s just that we are NATURALS in whatever we do!!!

Anyways we mentally prepared ourselves for surviving and somehow the 1st day passed. There were a few “minor” hic ups though like me gobbling up the food and then later enquiring whether she would like to eat, serving her the same amount of food as we serve to ourselves(by the way which can be very nearly equal to amount of food consumption in the whole of Somalia or Kenya) and hastily almost “snatching” the food she had brought from her home(actually I thought that she had had brought the used plates and all and was about to go to wash them. So I tried to show my respect by snatching the plate and saying “I will take care of it” but it didn’t turn out that way) I swear, I saw horror on her face on these occasions!! But I am learning, you know. I sincerely hope that this is the end to all adventure and some sanity would return to the proceedings or else embarrassingly I will have lot much to offer in the coming days!!

1 thing for sure I have never ever been happier to come to office than I was today and I almost did a 100 meter sprint as I was leaving my “jungle” behind!!

So as you can see that our place is what Bachelor’s life is all about…Haphazard, ill- managed and care free…And I am really shivering when I think of that POOR SOUL ALICE will be part of this “jungle” for 6 more days…Long period naa…I bet this time you will agree!!!!

 

Gosh…is it killing me!! I never imagined but now I know for sure that the pain of “separation” supersedes any other form of suffering! Dammit, I can’t even pretend that all is fine with me…It is like somebody removed the soul from my body…Each time I think of you in someone else’s life, a knife goes through my heart…but I guess this is life!!

 

How selfish was I with you and how foolish was I to let go of you, so easily!! You were so devoted and committed to let me know everything which was meant for me and how rudely I behaved again and again…Your “face” used to lit up whenever you had something new to offer to me but I used to cringe invariably…Even the small sweet nothings would bring “glow” to your face but again I would pretend I was doing the most tedious of jobs in the world when giving attention to “what you had to offer”…My selfishness and rudeness did not end there even. I would “use” you when I would please to and would then rudely make you go “silent” whenever my mood swings took the better of me. Whenever I needed to go into the past and revel and how wonderful life has been to me, I would just look at your “face” and “hold you in my hands” and almost magically a trip down the memory would start and it was like I could “flip through” the events which I treasure!! It was like I had a feeling that you are in my “pocket” and with you I can do whatever I feel like. But you never ever revolted. I had to invest the least in the “relationship” and invariably you would offer me the “maximum”…Only time you would try to get my “notice” was when you didn’t feel fully charged up and maybe I was the only person on whom you could have banked but I agree, I behaved like a master and a bad cruel master at that!! I would keep on elongating that “agony period” of yours and you would keep on “reminding” that you needed my attention, my care, my love, my touch…until you could bear it no more…

 

I just now remembered that when you were not in my “pocket”, how badly I was dying to get in a “relationship” with you. I pondered days and nights before reaching to the conclusion “Yes…You are the ONE”. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that. But maybe as I am writing, I am realizing it all!!

 

I know you would never ever read this but you know what, I have some confessions to make…First of all, the real bitter one… I used to “bitch” about you and the “time I spent with you” to my friends. I used plenty of bad words and bad mouthed you like anything!! I just did it to feel macho and just to fool myself into the thought that I AM SELF-SUFFICIENT & I NEED NO ONE to make me feel complete… How foolish was i…Now I almost kill myself each time because of the pain I suffer of that well known PRIVATE SPACE …

 

Also you would not know, my beauty, that I secretly wanted “your friend” in my life…Yes I confess I seriously entertained the thoughts of life with “her”. I was confused between “you” and 1 of your friends…I was looking for a “match” on which other people would complement me, be jealous of me and would talk of the great “catch” I had made…I was comparing the “looks” when I should have gone by the “heart”. I was so “materialistic” and selfish. I unashamedly confess that I settled for you in my life when I finally realized that the “other friend” of yours was somehow beyond my reach and no matter how hard I would try I couldn’t lay my hands on “your friend” .I can’t even look myself in the eyes for the rest of my life for this I know, but still I had to let the world know that how DOG a person I am.

 

I may say that somebody stole you from my “destiny” but I truly realize now that I never deserved to be with you for the rest of my life because I never” handled” you properly but darling now I can feel the void and realize that no matter which MOBILE SET i end up buying now, I can not ever replace my N-series N-72…My Black beauty, I miss you with all my heart but also unashamedly confess that I will try to get your “other friend” N70 in my life!!! May you be “handled” properly with that THIEF WHO STOLE MY “TALKING” BEAUTY!!!

 

With all the love,

Yours Undeserving lover….

 

 

 

My losing streak and me!!!

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